I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize