Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
