I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
