The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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