Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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