I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
