I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
