about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
