There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
