my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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