my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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