he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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