yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
