I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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