if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
