There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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