This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i drank out of a bidet.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
