the condom got lost in my hair
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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