How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
