Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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