we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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