sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
