of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
