but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
