I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will be naked everywhere
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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