What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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