Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
