Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
