and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
