in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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