My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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