apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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