The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
