woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
