And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
