we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I deserve this hangover.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
