you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
