Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
