every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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