had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
