Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
