It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
