Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
