You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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