Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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