When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
