I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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