Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
