Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
