new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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