there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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