is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
