how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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