Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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