I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
