meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
