Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
