remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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